However, due to some birthday-related generosity, I recently found myself sitting in the fabled "cat bird's seat", with a few clams burning a hole in my pocket. I also happened to find myself, once again, in the dental hygiene product aisle at the local Mass Merchandiser Mart, where I stumbled upon this little beauty:
I couldn't help noticing its sleek, modern lines, and adjustable pressure settings, along with the multiple oral cleansing tips. It was a little pricier than I had hoped, but I thought, "Hey, I'm worth it!" Ok, I didn't think that, but you get the point.
Anyway, I took it to the checkout counter, where I used cash for the first time in a really, really long time. I pulled two crisp bills out of my wallet. I thought I gave her a $50 bill and a $20 bill. When she gave me $35 change back, I said, "didn't I give you a fifty and a twenty?" She said, "I thought you gave me two fifties". I said, "I'm pretty sure I gave you a fifty and a twenty." She said "thank you so much for being honest," and looked really, really relieved, as though my honesty had just rescued her from an appointment with the firing squad.
As it turns out, though, despite my somewhat arrogant certainty about having given the cashier a fifty and a twenty, my honesty may have cost me $30. I'm pretty sure now, a week later, that I did give her two fifties, as I'm not sure I can account for all of my leftover birthday cash. It's been said that honesty is the best policy. But I say nuts to that! Just kidding. Honesty is still the best policy. Maybe my mansion in heaven (assuming that's where I end up)will be built with a tiny bit more gold and what-not. Because we all know that, in heaven, the mansions will be made of gold. And what-not, too. Anyway, it makes me feel good to know that I may or may not have paid $95 for a $65 item, because I'm sure Walmart and the Walton family are feeling the financial pinch as the country approaches a recession. I'm sure they'll write to thank me for the $30 donation.
But I digress. When I got the Waterpik® dental jet home, I tried it out, as recommended by the manufacturer, on the lowest of the ten pressure settings. I was surprised at how much more pleasant it is to have cool water irrigating my gums than to yank a piece of thread in and out of my teeth and gums. When I turned up the pressure setting, it was a little less comfortable. Level 4 was about all I could take. The manual said you should gradually work your way up as your gums become accustomed to irrigation (read, "as scar tissue and calluses form on your mutilated gums". I'm pretty sure that, on level ten, my Waterpik® dental jet could cut stone. If any of you need custom stonework done, I may be entering that market niche.
Anyway, my Plackers® dental flossers have gone the way of all flesh (or kevlar?), and have been replaced by a $65 Waterpik® dental jet for which I think I may have paid $95. I highly recommend this product. I actually like using it. I dang well better, for $95 bucks. I keep telling myself that the extra $30 was worth it, if only for the fact that I never have to stick my fingers in my mouth anymore to adhere to a conscientiously applied program of dental hygiene. I think next time I'll use my debit card, though.
